"This Week"
Bahrain Meditation Centre
4th November

Do you ever argue?

What is the difference between a discussion, a dialogue and an argument? In essence, a discussion is an open exchange of views, a dialogue is a mutual exploration of meaning and an argument is a battle of opinions.

An argument is the meeting of two closed minds. A discussion is only possible when we are open to one another’s ideas. A dialogue will only happen when two parties collaborate to uncover a deeper wisdom and co-create a new understanding. In an argument 1 + 1 = nothing. In a discussion 1 + 1 = 2. In a dialogue 1 + 1 = 3. In a dialogue there is much more listening than talking, in a discussion there is an equal exchange between friends and in an argument there is war!

Do you ever argue? When you argue it means you have an opinion, and at the heart of your opinion is your belief. When you hear the belief of the other you argue back because you are seeing their belief as a threat to you personally. Why? Because you are attached to, and identified with, your belief. So you interpret the others belief as an attack upon you. Before you know it you are either defending or attacking, which means you are creating fear and aggression, which means you are inflicting suffering upon your self.

Many people come to a conversation ‘armed’ with their opinions, prepared to defend their beliefs, and ready to do battle. It’s easy to disarm them. All you have to say is, “That’s an interesting way to see it. Not sure I agree with it, but I can see how you can see it”. If we find this hard to do it’s because we believe we are right and we want to prove we are right and they are wrong because when we are right we are happy! Being right we feel superior and feeling superior is the best we to avoid the possibility of feeling inferior. So being right and being happy have become synonymous. But it’s not true happiness because in the process of proving our rightness we are tense and even angry that the other is not ‘getting it’ or are not going to acknowledge that ‘I am right’. The possibility of losing the argument becomes the possibility of losing face.

And then there are those who deliberately look for an argument. They are spoiling for a fight so that they can justify and satisfy their addiction to the accompanying emotions i.e. anxiety, anger and perhaps hate. Like hard drugs, if these emotions are indulged in, they will have to be ‘felt’ every day. Hence the argumentative attitude some have developed. They are saying, “ Go on, I dare you to disagree with me”. Which is another way of saying, “Go on, press my buttons, make my day”!

But it’s good to have an opinion isn’t it? If you don’t have an opinion about important issues you are seen as weak – right? And if you don’t stand up and fight for the rightness of your opinion you may be accused of being soft, conciliatory, without the courage of your convictions. This is how some people often justify holding an opinion about anything and everything. But wait a second – in the moment of expressing your opinion, if it is in the defense of a position or designed to be against another opinion, it is the birthplace of conflict and the seed of war. All wars, at their roots, are differences of opinion, a clash of beliefs, and the emotions and action that follow are firstly violence upon oneself, and then a violation of others. This truth of this is then avoided with the claim, “We had to be strong to make the decision to go to war”, which is really way of avoiding saying, “We weren’t strong enough to ‘let go’ of our need to be right” and “We didn’t have the courage or the patience to turn an argument into a dialogue”… where the first principle of dialogue is always seeking to truly understand the other before desiring to makes oneself understood.

It takes courage to have a point of view, and yet be extremely interested in others points of view to the extent that you are prepared to shift your viewing point! This says, “I am flexible and I acknowledge there are many ways of looking”, it says, “I have the humility to learn”, and it says, “I seek to meet you on the ground we share, as opposed to fight you from a proclaimed territory.”

It is an enlightened soul that moves from an argument to a discussion to a dialogue, a process that is driven not by the need to be right, but by a genuine curiosity alongside the intention to understand the other.

One day three pupils came to see their master. The master held up a flower and asked his pupils what colour they saw. The first pupil said, “A reddish brown”. And the master said, “You are right”. The second pupil said, “I see a bluish purple colour” And the master said, “You are right”. To which the third pupil said, “But master, both cannot be right”. To which the master replied, “You are right”!

Question: Who do you find yourself arguing with most, either verbally or mentally, and what do you argue about, and why are you really arguing with them?

Reflection: Imagine yourself exchanging ideas with that person where you are doing most of the listening and, at the end of which you let them have the last word.

Action: Practice creating a dialogue with one other person this week. Pick a person, pick a topic, pick a place to meet, pick three questions around that topic and then pick each others brains in a free flowing mutual enquiry.

Om Shanti
(I am a peaceful soul)

 Tel: +973-17-712 545, meditate@batelco.com.bh, www.bahrainmeditationcentre.org
Bahrain Meditation Centre is administered by B.K.W.S.U. (visit: www.bkwsu.org.uk)