"This Week"
Bahrain Meditation Centre 14th October 2006
The Secrets of Self Esteem

Part 1 – How we sabotage our self esteem

At some stage in life most of us will become aware of the solidity and stability of our self-esteem, or lack of, as the case may be. How we esteem ourselves underpins all our actions. It seems however, that the vast majority will not be aware of how this internal influence will affect absolutely everything we think, feel and do. Made up of the strands of self-respect, self-worth and self-value, if our self-esteem is not clearly founded in who we truly are, it will undermine our ability to act and interact positively and proactively. It will sabotage our ability to maintain calm and focus. And it will therefore not allow us to be content with our self. There are four common errors we all learn to make, usually in childhood, which will ensure our self-esteem is not as solid and stable as it could be.

1 People who base their self-respect on their reputation in the eyes of others will not have real self- esteem.

Inevitably the praise, acclaim or applause will die. It may even turn to criticism. In that moment the person who has become dependent on others 'feeding' them with respect will collapse inside and may even turn to other sources such as drugs to replace the loss. Their self-esteem, which has been built on the expressed feelings and behaviours of others towards them, will dissolve.

2 People who base their self-confidence only on their skills and abilities will not have real self- esteem.

They will always find themselves in situations where they won't have the necessary skills. If their self-esteem is only based on the skills they already have, they will feel at a loss and unable to cope in such situations, though they may attempt to bluff their way through. They may even spend much time and energy on trying to disguise their inadequacy. Eventually they will be found out. Someone with real self-esteem will simply say, "I don't have the skills to handle this task/situation…yet! But I can learn. Now, what do I need to learn?"

3 People who base their self-worth on their possessions will not have real self esteem.

This is perhaps the most common mistake. We learn to measure our worth by external things like possessions, position, pay and perhaps another person in our life. (look who my partner is!) There is nothing more certain than they will one day either leave us, be taken away or will have to be given up. This inner knowledge then adds to the original mistake and generates feelings of insecurity and a free-floating, continuous background anxiety. Hence one of the reasons why the vast majority lead quietly desperate lives.

4 People who base their self-image on their appearance will not have real self esteem.

This is the illusion that we are what we see in the mirror. This will ensure a lifetime of anxiety and frustration quietly eating away at our self-esteem. For some it will become an obsession as they try to slow, or even halt, the inevitable ageing and decay that must happen to their physical image. Not to mention the slightest derogatory comment about their appearance triggering hours, perhaps days, of angst and self-doubt.

Next week we will explore how to build our self-esteem from inside out and not outside in.

Question: Which of all of the above traps do you tend to fall into most?

Reflection : Take a moment to write down what you think is the antidote to each of the above, and see if you can see what your self-esteem should be based on.

Action: Do three things differently this week that will affirm/build your self-esteem