"This Week" by the
Bahrain Meditation Centre
10th March 2007

Saying YES to Saying NO

Whether it's in the workplace or the more intimate setting of family relationships, perhaps one of the greatest challenges today is developing the ability to say NO for the right reason, at the right moment and in the right way. In a world where speed rules the waves of rapid change on the ocean of daily life, 'time pressure' and 'time compression' are on the increase. Time pressure is simply shorter lead times to those deadlines. The pressure is always self-created however when the deadline is perceived as a threat with consequences i.e. you'll be dead (you'll lose something) if you don't hit the line on time! Time compression, on the other hand, is the attempt to do more faster, to cram more activity and achievement into the same space of time, usually with the same resources. Combine these two factors with vulnerable self-esteem and self-respect and you have a recipe for much personal stress and interpersonal resentment. Within that context there are many reasons why we tend to say YES when we know we should say NO. These include the fear of offending (loss of approval), looking incapable (loss of face), avoiding an argument or confrontation (loss of temper) or even feeling guilty at not being there for someone (loss of relationship).

When it comes to saying NO, time is not the real the issue it is self-esteem. In any instance where you know you should say, "NO, I just can't take on any more", the 'YES' is likely to be a reaction based on fear. The most common fear is of the loss of approval of another person, usually someone in a higher position. It is a pattern that usually has its roots in your relationship with parent/s, the earliest authority figures, which replays endlessly in your relationship with any authority figure for the rest of your life. You thought you were gaining your parents love and affection by saying YES, by being obedient, but although it looked like you did it was not real love, and deep down you came to know it was not real love. Saying YES, when you know you should say NO, is really a way of saying, "I need your approval because I am dependent on your approval, your love, to make me feel OK about myself". But even deeper down your still hoping to acquire the real love you didn't get from your parents/early authority figures. It's as if you are hoping so hard that, "This time I will be truly loved". Stupidity has been defined as doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result the second time. In many instances, whenever we say YES when we know in our own conscience we should say NO, we are being stupid about love! But we are not aware of our own stupidity. In other words your self-esteem/self-worth is being sourced outside your self. You are looking for love externally, in the wrong place and in the wrong way because no one loved you in the right way that would have shown you how to find love internally. This dependence on others then eats away at your self-esteem/respect thus draining your power to be assertive in relationship with authority. This is a vicious cycle usually set in motion a long time ago.

The other factor that drains the power to say NO are the other 'possible consequences' whether your NO is assertive or not. The imagined loss of approval, is accompanied by an imagined loss of position and perhaps pay, which is perceived as a threat to your personal security, especially if you have made certain financial commitments. Hence the reason so many people live in a perpetual state of insecurity under the illusion that they are secure! Your personal sense of security and stability must always be grounded at the level of self-esteem and self-respect. If it isn't you will never 'feel' truly secure in the sea of continuously accelerating change that now defines our modern world.

It's likely you have either seen or met someone who puts the foot down, says NO, says, "I'm sorry I just can't take on any more thank you", and as they do they are not aggressive or reactive, simply assertive, and you can sense they are standing in their self- respect. As you watch them act from their self-respect it automatically draws respect from all who watch them. This is only possible because they have a clear sense of their own value which, in turn, attracts others 'value for them'. And that's what makes it highly unlikely that any negative consequence will ensue. And even if it did they are able ride those consequences with the same inner strength, based on self-respect and self worth. They are able to meet the situation proactively and creatively with questions like. "OK what's next? What do I need to do now?" Someone with real self-respect is never a 'victim'.

So the art of saying NO begins with your self-esteem/respect. If they are intact they will govern both what you say so and how you say it. Saying NO reactively out of fear or resentment will only generate the same reaction in return. Barriers go up, conflict is initiated and the fire of resentment grows. Saying NO proactively always acknowledges and appreciates the opportunity, always holds the other in the highest regard, always affirms the necessity of what needs to be done and yet humbly ends in a positive NO! It can sound trite and perhaps overly simple in theory but every situation and relationship is different so the content of the affirmative NO will vary accordingly. However an assertive and affirmative NO once made, is never 'dextified'! Once made the affirmative NO is never defended, explained of justified. If it is it means there are chinks in the armor of your self-respect and self-esteem and these chinks will be the entry points for manipulation that the authority figure will attempt to exploit to their advantage.

So as you construct your assertive and affirmative NO these are the building blocks:
Rational – Good reasons to say NO means it it's not personal, you show that you have thought about it, you are able to clearly demonstrate why.
Understanding – Acknowledges and recognises the need and value of what is to be done in an empathic way.
Agreement – It helps to gain their agreement that you are not the one to do what needs to be done on this occasion, or that you are not able at this moment.
Creativity – Offering alternative solutions on ways forward demonstrates you are caring and supportive.

And finally, with practice, you will find you gradually master the art of saying NO before you are asked! This is based on anticipating a request is about to be forthcoming and quietly and creatively communicating your 'unavailability' before the request is made!

Question: In which three relationships in your life today do you find it hardest to say NO? Reflection: What is the deepest reason you can find within yourself for your NO in each of the three relationships?Action: Pick the easiest relationship/situation and begin to practice your 'affirmative NO' using the structure above. It may help to write it first.

Om Shanti
(I am a peaceful soul)
 Tel: +973-17-712 545, meditate@batelco.com.bh, www.bahrainmeditationcentre.org
Bahrain Meditation Centre is administered by B.K.W.S.U. (visit: www.bkwsu.org.uk)