"This Week" by the
Bahrain Meditation Centre
24th March

The Formula for SUCCESS

Ever wondered why life doesn't turn out as you would like it? Ever wondered if there was a secret formula for successful living? Well there is, but it may require some adjustments to your beliefs and alterations to your daily behaviours. The formula for success in life is simple. It goes like this; E + R = O. Event plus Response equals Outcome. There are two kinds of outcomes in life. 'External outcomes' are all your relationships today – the result of all your responses yesterday. And then there are 'internal outcomes' which are your levels of self-esteem and self-confidence today, the result of all your yesterdays. Are there any outcomes you would like to change? "Yes please", say most people, "That's why I am here at the seminar, or reading this weekly insight into clear thinking"!

When they realise they are not getting the outcomes or the results they want in life what do most people try to change in the formula? Unfortunately it's the event. And the event is always in the past, and it usually involves other people. And the two things in life you can never ever change is the past and other people! This of course is where the feeling for frustration comes from (most stress in fact) hence life easily becomes one long frustration for those who never get the results they want and who never come to recognise they are knocking their head against the proverbial brick wall… so to speak.

Frustration is therefore also a sign of failure and every time you fail to get what you want it chips away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. Little do you realise the frustration is a form of anger and anytime you get angry it means you are 'clinically insane'! Why? Three reasons. First, you are out of control, the emotion is controlling you. Second, you become totally irrational. But the real reason is the third, you are trying to do the impossible, which is change what can never be changed – the past and other people.

Somewhere in the past you learned you could change the past and other people, probably by watching your parents become frustrated and angry at others one minute, and satisfied and happy the next minute as their world seemed to dance to their tune. You absorb the belief that you could control what you cannot control, and it then comes to rest and reside in your subconscious. So when the world does not dance to your tune the belief kicks in with a reminder that it should!

Seen in the cold hard light of a short article like this, it is obvious that if you want to change the outcomes in life you need to change your responses to life. But this will be hard unless you consciously change your beliefs about how life works. In the context of relationships the truth is you can never control what other people do, ever! Even when they do what you want it wasn't you in control, it was always them who made the decision to act, even to obey an order. The illusion of control is a hard illusion to break, especially if you think you are the 'authority around here', or that you have a position that gives you 'authority over others'. It can be an ego shattering realisation for many, after a lifetime of believing they are 'in control'. And yet it is also tremendously freeing. It will free you from the anger and the frequent feelings of isolation and loneliness that is the result of holding the 'control belief' and attempting to enforce that belief.

Life, of course, is never black and white (despite the inherent duality of this world) and while you cannot control others anywhere or anytime, you can 'influence'. To realise the importance of influence is to realise the real measure of success in life. Life is relationship and so success in relationship will depend on your ability to influence. If someone attempts to control you, if you get the slightest whiff that they are angry or upset with you, you will likely put up an invisible barrier between you and them. They then cannot 'get in' and you are not 'coming out'. Hence they lose their influence in their relationship with you. Why? Because you sensed they were trying to control you. Try this experiment. Try controlling someone and watch how you lose your influence in that relationship. And if you don't sense a distance in the relationship then you will likely be aware that the other has become dependent on you, and most likely you are also dependent on them to feed your ego and the illusion that you are a controller.

In the formal context of organisations and the less formal setting of families, it is the manager and the parents role to influence others. But when they try to control it means their intention is selfish i.e. "You have to do what I want. You have to please me". But when the truth of the control delusion dawns (and for many it never does) they realise their role is not to control but to influence. The recognise that in order to assist in the growth and development of another, the intention has to be corrected to, "Now what can I say or do that is going to be most effective in encouraging and supporting their growth and development?"

Perhaps the greatest trap for parents/teachers/managers is the illusion that, "I am the authority" or "I am the controller of things around here". Not only do they fail to control, they will teach others by their example to believe they can control what they cannot control. And the example they will model will likely be designed around that of the 'angry dictator'. It's no wonder so many workplaces are battlefields, so many classrooms are battle grounds and so many families are subtle training grounds in the art of war!

Arriving at the point of realisation that control is impossible but influence is possible the next question is 'how'. How can you influence others. Have be careful as even the thought " I would like to influence", is likely to be control in disguise. Self-deception is at work… again. The genuine recognition of the possibility of influence will always lead to creativity. How many ways canb you influence someone. You can listen, encourage, empathise, share etc etc… there are hundreds of ways to positively influence. But what is the right way, at this moment, with this person, in this situation. This is real creativity requiring the ability to discern what is appropriate, the right attitude to embody it and the accurate words and behaviours to communicate it. But this is also where 'real life' begins. Before, it was a lazy life where attempted control became the repeating pattern inevitably creating and sustaining self inflicted stress. But now you have awoken and you are 'on your mettle', you are keenly aware and gauging what is the right way to be and to do in order to arrive at the right outcome, an outcome that can then be described as a 'success'.

The formula is simple, its execution is challenging, its application one of the most creative activities we can learn. But then, that's why you are here, to be creative. Isn't it?

Question: Who are you attempting to control in your life? Write a list and assess 1 is low attempted control and 10 is high attempted control. Reflection: Take a moment to reflect on why you are attempting to control each person. What is it YOU want? Action: Now write down the appropriate thinking and accurate behaviour you need to create for each in order to influence .

Om Shanti
(I am a peaceful soul)
 Tel: +973-17-712 545, meditate@batelco.com.bh, www.bahrainmeditationcentre.org
Bahrain Meditation Centre is administered by B.K.W.S.U. (visit: www.bkwsu.org.uk)